Nuggets of Commencement Address Clichés

Below are a few choice nibbles of possibly the worst commencement address I've ever heard (that includes the one with the racist joke when I graduated from college--I suppose that one and this one are tied for worst for different reasons--and the one at my high school graduation, when the five or so students with GPAs above 4.0--bad speakers all--got up and gave a trite speech by committee, part of which was comprised of poetry so bad it would have been edited out of a cheap greeting card). Part of this speech's horrific nature was its manner of delivery, which you miss when reading it. Try to imagine varying speeds with no relation to content, general halting delivery (as if it hadn't been read in advance), and a dash of condescension with a pinch of misunderstanding one's audience. (After all, if only the Ph.D. recipients walk across the stage and get their names read, you might consider tipping your hat to them, too, some of whom are quite a bit older than the undergrads sitting behind them.)

"Tip number one - The enemy of the good enough is the perfect. Everything is not equally important.

Strive for great things but understand that life is not perfect. Balance is achieved over time, not all at one moment in time, not in all spheres at once.

My Christmas decorations are not up yet. My house could never be photographed for House Beautiful. My cooking is not even close to gourmet. And all of that is OK with me and my family. It is fine according to our family priorities. My family is happy and productive living in our somewhat messy house.

As [edited for anonymity], professor of cell and developmental biology, mother of two, wife of a practicing ob-gyn, says, 'I don’t tend to see it as a balancing act so much as juggling – how many balls can you keep in the air and for how long? The truth is that you really can’t keep them all in the air all the time, so you just keep selected ones or even just one airborne at any one time. Balancing comes into play in not letting anything vaporize.'

In other words, prioritize.

[Edited for anonymity], nurse, single mom of two daughters and [edited for anonymity]research associate, says, 'I think in order to balance one’s life and career you need to know what your dreams are, and prioritize them. Pick your battles well, especially with those you live with. And in times of conflict or indecisiveness, ask yourself what really matters.'

It’s a marathon, not a sprint. Every hour, every day cannot be balanced. Work for there to be balance over time based on your own priorities.

That leads me to tip number two - Reflect. Listen to your inner self. Have passion for what you do.

[Edited for anonymity], biomedical engineer and my lab’s manager extraordinaire, says, 'Be inspired. Be an inspiration. Successful people live each day of their lives purposefully and in doing so inspire others around them to do the same.'

[...]

Tip number three - No man (or woman) is an island. We’re all in this together. Find good partners and friends. Develop a great social network.

For me, my husband has been my strongest supporter. What a star I married in [edited for anonymity]. He has been a loving partner in raising our four children while practicing as a busy eye surgeon. He has always gone the extra 10 miles for us. My dad has also always been there for me. How lucky I’ve been to have two such strong men supporting me.

These sorts of relationships are common for people who’ve successfully managed career and family responsibilities. [edited for anonymity], [edited for anonymity]cancer doctor and mother of two, says, 'The success I have largely comes from the support I have received from my husband, [edited for anonymity]' (an administrator in [edited for anonymity] department of radiology). 'I met him before my third year of medical school. He has been with me every step of the way, even picking me up in the middle of the night at times when he thought I would be too tired to drive, keeping the household running, buying the things we need and being a sounding board.' [edited for anonymity], another [edited for anonymity] cancer doctor and mom of a small son, says that her husband, [edited for anonymity], also a [edited for anonymity] physician, is the 'single most important factor in' her 'happiness, success and balance.' He helps her focus on the important things in life, supports everything she does and enjoys her successes.

But, wise women know that their support network extends beyond those with whom they live. Coworkers, friends, relatives and neighbors are there to help, too. For me, that's meant having supportive mentors and colleagues, an amazing administrative assistant, superb household helpers, and innumerable friends, neighbors and relatives who will willingly and lovingly help out, not only when asked, but when they sense I need to be tossed a life-line, when life just gets too complicated. It happens to all of us some time. Learn to ask for and accept help from your network. That's what friends are for.

And this brings me to the most important and paradoxical tip for leading a balanced life. Tip number four. Serve your community. Volunteer."

Snore. Snore. Snore. This is somehow supposed to be memorable or interesting? This material cribbed from Oprah is supposed to be profound or thought provoking? Can someone help me out here? Sorry to mention it, too, but is presentation of this boring bourgeois crap supposed to inspire?

What I learned:
A well-off endowed professor has a messy house.
A well-off endowed professor has domestic servants.
A well-off endowed professor has lots of friends in the same field.
A well-off endowed professor has the support of her family.
A well-off endowed professor has the wisdom to recognize that family and friends are really important.
A well-off endowed professor has the ability to use a dictionary of quotations. (I left them off the end of the long quotation. Winston Churchill? Who reads him except historians and devotees of books of quotations?)

All I ever really needed to know I learned from a hackneyed graduation speech, the true reservoir of all of a culture's most pedestrian ideas . . . .

I got the job.

Well, I've done it. I've finished my dissertation, graduated, applied for jobs, interviewed, and been offered a TT version of my current visiting position at the SLAC where I teach. A baby's on the way, and things are generally right in the world.

I know that my new old job is one offered based on a split committee. I know that the other candidates were good ones, no doubt better than me on paper. But I also know that I got my shot, based on who I am and all the hard work I've done over the last few years, and it worked out. I was myself during the interview to the point of visibly irritating one colleague, but it was in terms of my passionate fundamental understanding of European culture. Given my field, if you're willing to let that go, you may as well sell your soul. I stuck to my guns, presented my case, and I got the job.

Now I'm on to worrying about other things. Ya-hoo!

This job looks good . . .

I just had to post this excerpt from a tenure-track job that just opened up:

"Course load: Four courses per term: . . . and as needed, . . . literature in transudation . . . . Note: evidence of successful undergraduate teething experience and research."

Hmmm. Sounds great.

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